Dealing with Impatience. A guide.

Living a life troubled by mental health obstacles has its host of challenges. One that often comes to the surface for me is dealing with an overwhelming and frequent occurrence of impatience. Is this simply petulance rearing its ugly head, or is it deeper than that? I sense that something greater is happening within my body in those moments. This post is here to look under the cover of shame and understand where this impatience comes from and what tools we can utilize to manage ourselves more appropriately.

Think back to a moment in your life when that behavioral expression of frustration and intense irritability overcame your better judgment, and you chose to act out in a fashion that was out of character. Did anything good come from that moment? I would venture a guess that you may have had an immediate sense of release, but what shortly followed was the inevitable shame and self-disapproval, and I would wager that the outcome you were looking for didn't come to fruition as you would have originally intended. With the world flying past us at such a speed and our daily lives having very little chill built in, it is not surprising that we may be encountering these moments far more frequently than we would care to admit. I certainly feel that way. Frustration and irritability are a natural human experience that we aren't likely to eradicate, and at the speed at which our worlds are turning, I can certainly say that learning to work through these moments, for me at least, has been instrumental to finding more joy in my life.

WHAT is PATIENCE?

We have heard the word since we were little humans crawling about...so what is patience? Defined as "the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset," patience is sometimes the hardest pill to swallow, especially in the era of instant gratification we are currently in. Although well into middle age, I am no stranger to that feeling of a tantrum building ... only as an adult, exhibiting this behavior doesn't bring about favorable outcomes, but tolerating discomfort does not necessarily come naturally for anyone. But let us ask ourselves," Who wouldn't want to go through life with less perceived irritation?" I prefer life with less conflict and less frustration. This allows far more room for healthier relationships, personal resilience, and being more self-regulated, which I can promise is a far better experience in life as I have walked through life as both of these people.

We are experiencing even less of a need for patience in so much of our everyday lives. We live in a society where instant gratification is around every corner. If you have a question, Google it. If you run out of toilet paper, Amazon will drop that off the same day. If you are hungry but don't want to cook, Instacart will swing by in 35 minutes with a hot meal (or lukewarm). So, what is so wrong with that? Well, I have noticed in my own life that all these convenience and short-term rewards, at the moment, may not seem to be problematic, but a slippery slope still exists here, nevertheless. I have witnessed myself leaning too far into this -- the irritation begins to creep in when I order outside Amazon, and it takes a week for a package to arrive, or I send that text message, and I keep looking at my phone expecting that immediate response and the worst of all, I am getting far too comfortable ordering junk food delivered to my front door in a matter of minutes. An overwhelming sense of speed takes over almost everything, and conversely, my anxiety, irritability, and frustration only increase. Now, does this make me a bad person when I feel this way? Absolutely not; I am human, and I have feelings and emotions. Shame aside, the real question is, "Does it serve me?" Most often, the answer is clearly "no".

WAYS to IMPROVE

So, how do we improve our patience? As if we need another self-improvement protocol, I must say that between developing a mindfulness practice, fitting in that cold plunge, and orchestrating that marathon nighttime routine, it's easy to feel overwhelmed by all the self-help "guidelines" for living your best life. Yet, amidst all the propaganda, I will make a bold claim: working to improve your patience and personal resilience will pay off in spades. Here are some ideas you can use to begin this practice. Now, remember that overnight change does not last, so be gentle with yourself and recognize that lasting change takes time.

1. Get Curious About What Is Happening Beneath the Impatience

One of the most valuable lessons I have learned is that impatience is often not the real emotion. More often than not, it is a protective layer sitting on top of many other things. Anxiety. Fear. Disappointment. Uncertainty. Even grief. When I find myself becoming irritated that someone hasn't responded to a text message, the reality is that I am often feeling uncertainty. When I become frustrated that progress isn't happening quickly enough, underneath that frustration is often fear that I will fail or that my efforts won't matter.

The next time impatience surfaces, pause long enough to ask yourself, "What am I actually feeling right now?" The answer may surprise you.

2. Practice Small Delays

The modern world has conditioned us to expect immediate results. As a result of that, intentionally practicing small amounts of waiting can be surprisingly powerful.

-Wait a few minutes before checking that notification.

-Leave the Amazon order in your cart overnight.

-Take the longer checkout line.

-Resist the urge to immediately solve every uncomfortable feeling - sit with it for a bit.

These moments may seem insignificant, but they help retrain our brains to tolerate discomfort without demanding immediate relief. This one is hard ... but you can see improvement within yourself quite quickly.

3. Find Activities That Cannot Be Rushed

Nature has been one of my greatest teachers in this regard.

Photography, hiking, woodworking, gardening, watching a sunrise, sitting beside the ocean—none of these experiences respond well to force.

You cannot rush a tree into growing.

You cannot demand better light from a sunset.

You cannot sand a piece of wood twice as fast and expect better results.

Spending time with activities that operate on their own timeline reminds us that not everything in life exists for our convenience.

4. Extend Yourself Some Grace

Perhaps most importantly, remember that impatience does not make you a bad person.

You are living in a culture designed to reward speed, efficiency, and immediate gratification. It is understandable that your nervous system occasionally struggles when life asks you to slow down.

The goal is not perfection. The goal is awareness.

Each time you notice your impatience before acting on it, you are already making progress.

Patience is not something we achieve once and than it becomes a skill we possess forever. It takes practice, and consistent practice. Some days we are going to handle life's delays and frustrations with grace, and other days, we will find ourselves muttering under our breath at the grocery store checkout line. That's fine. What matters is not that we become perfect at patience, rather that we become more aware of what is happening withing ourselves when the impatience appears. There is far more lasting value in this. With enough awareness, curiosity, and practice, we can learn to respond differently. Than, we might just discover that the peace we are looking for was never on the other side of getting what we wanted faster, it was learning to take it a bit slower.